Numb it down

Sometimes, feelings suck, especially the ones that make us sad and the ones that make us cry. We'll do a lot of reckless things out of desperation so that we don't have to deal with being sad. We'll do anything to numb the pain that we feel inside.

That's fine and dandy, and I'm not one to judge, but in the end what are all of these things going to do for us? They really are quite useless. No amount of alcohol, running, dieting, or drugs is going to change what happened whether it be a heartbreak or a death. We can numb ourselves to the pain, we can try to forget about the pain, and it will go away for a little bit, but it will come back. It will come back after all of your distractions are gone and it will still hurt.

Being numb helps sometimes, because sometimes it's too hard to deal with the feelings you have. But just because you can numb the pain sometimes, does not mean it goes away, it just means that the pain is delayed. As hard as it is, you have to deal with those feelings and try and make sense of what happened. The sooner the better.

Being numb is comfortable sometimes, but one thing I've learned from this whole numbing technique is that when you try to numb yourself from one thing, you seldom have control over it. If you numb yourself to one thing, you numb yourself to everything else and that is no way to live your life. Life is going to hurt, but it's also going to feel absolutely amazing; in my opinion, it's worth the lows to feel those highs.

I know now, I'd much rather feel a vast array of emotions, than to go through life with things just being "fine" and being numb to everything. All of the feelings, even the sucky ones, are worth it.

Forgiveness isn't foolish

People will hurt you, it is inevitable, but the greatest strength by far comes in your ability to truly forgive them.  That's easy to say, but hard to do.

Holding a grudge is easy, but let me tell you, it takes a lot out of you. To hold is a grudge and to spend your time seething in anger is not punishing the person you are mad at, rather, it's punishing you. You deserve to be happy, we all deserve happiness, and to let hate into your heart so that you can "punish" the other person is just pure nonsense.

Forgiveness isn't just for the person who has wronged you. Forgiveness is for you. Forgive because you don't have room in your heart to hate. Forgive because you don't have time to hold a grudge. Forgive, because in the end you will be better off for it.

Take the leap

As I've said before, I'm a planner. I have my plans and I don't like them to change, even though they inevitably do. This year, things have changed (not a lot, don't get too excited) and I have been less rigid with my planning.

For a long time in my life, I did what other people expected of me, I did what other people wanted, after all, I didn't want to disappoint. At some point, that changed and I started more of what I wanted and what I loved, even if it disappointed a few people in my life. At some point, I learned that I can't waste my time living a life that I didn't want. This made the planner in me emerge like none other.

I wanted to plan to make sure that I was on track with my dreams. I need to ensure that I wasn't straying from what I wanted. I'm finally seeing that while my dreams are great and they are amazing, they are there to help guide my life, not plan out every step of the journey.

So what if things don't go exactly as planned? Is it REALLY going to be the end of the world? Answer: No. Life is going to happen, regardless if I've planned for it or not.

One thing that I am so grateful that I've learned is that while plans are good and dandy, I can't let them limit who I am or what I do. I've learned that sometimes, I have to take a chance, because I have NO idea how absolutely perfect (or not) things could turn out, and when I look at it that way, it makes all this planning I do seem really silly.

Life isn't always about plans, sometimes it's all in that leap of faith.

Futures

People always ask me what I am going to do when I graduate and I never know what to tell them, but I am not afraid of that question. I don't question my abilities, I just question where I will apply them.

I want to work somewhere that allows me not only to utilize the education and skills I earned at college, but also allows me to be happy in my work. This isn't about doing what's fun or gets the biggest paycheck, it is giving me the opportunity to help others. Anyone can make money, it's not that hard, but I want to love my life and what I do afterwards, not just punch in and punch out.

I need something to believe in, something to work for, not just someone to work for. I want to believe in people, because I know that we can all do such amazing things, if we can just be inspired. I want to put my heart and soul into something that I believe in, I want to make the place I live better.

So I guess the answer is that I don't know what I'm doing with my life, but I am not afraid. Who knows where I'll end up, but where I am isn't what matters; I want to be a part of something bigger than myself, I want to help others and I want to make this world a better place. If we can ever to hope to change this place, we have to be the change. Call me foolish, but I believe it's what I'm supposed to do. I may be a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

If you let it

Insecurity will destroy if you allow it to, believe that.

Every struggles with who they are at some point, it's hard to be 100% confident, 100% of the time, especially with the pressure that society puts on all of us. It also gets especially hard to see the beauty in ourselves when things go wrong. We try and figure out what is "wrong" with us, and that's where the trouble starts.

Maybe he/she would like me if I was taller or if my head wasn't so big, or if my hair was nicer, or if I was skinnier, or if my teeth were straighter, or maybe if I had bigger boobs. Honestly, I could go on forever about reasons that I'm not good enough, but it doesn't change the fact that no matter how close to "perfect" you get, you are never going to be happy with who you are.

It's a sad reality when we live in a place where we think that the things on the outside will change how people feel about us. The things that we tell ourselves late at night aren't true - changing how you look outside won't make things better for you on the inside. If the solution to all of your problems is making yourself look better, I can almost guarantee that no matter how good you look, there will always be something missing.

So as hard as it is, you have to learn to embrace who you are, flaws and all. Because it's those differences that make you uniquely you. It's those differences that set you apart. I truly believe that someday, you will find someone who loves you for just who you are, and I can't think of anything more perfect than finding someone you can be absolutely comfortable with.

Some days it will be hard, and that voice inside telling you that you aren't good enough will be loud, but you have to be able to tell it that it's wrong. Because like I said, insecurity will destroy you if you let it.

Everyone wants to feel wanted

All we ever want, is to be wanted; everyone loves to feel like they are wanted, everyone wants to feel needed somewhere. Personally, I struggle with this because I, like everyone else, LOVE to feel wanted and needed. I also love to make people happy, which can make for quite the combination.

I'm a people pleaser, I like people to be happy,  I want them to be happy. Really, I want to live me life to help other people, but that's a different story. As long as I can remember, I've been this way. I'd rather have other people be happy, then get what I want a lot of the times. I will bend over backwards so that I can get people what they want, I will do almost anything so that people can be happy. It has mattered what the cost was, if I have the ability to make someone happy, I will do it. Why? Because I want to feel wanted, I want to feel needed.

Too often, I am willing to drop everything so that others will be happy. If I feel like I'm wanted, if I feel like I'm needed, I am more than willing to place my life on hold. It is that urge to make people happy that makes me stay in a place that may not be the best for me. If you asked me stay, I probably would, and at the very least, I'd heavily consider it. I never really thought of it that way, but I just want to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible; I want to be wanted, plain and simple.

As good as it is to feel wanted, I'm finally learning that I have to start doing things for myself. I have to move on from where I feel comfortable and wanted; I have to pursue my own dreams, even if that means leaving some of the things I love behind. I'm learning that just because I am choosing what's best for me, doesn't mean I'm not choosing who and what I love. Feeling wanted is nice and helping others is good, but I have got to do somethings for myself. I can't cling so tightly to that feeling of being wanted, that I lose sight of where I'm going.

Lose the crutch

No one likes to fail, or at least not anyone I know. Sometimes it's embarrassing, and who likes to be embarrassed? But failure happens; failure is necessary to learn and progress. It all depends on how you handle it, but failure isn't always a bad thing.

One thing we love to do when we fail is find something to blame it on. I didn't win because I ate a burger before the game. I didn't get a good grade because my professor doesn't like me.

Excuses, everyone has them, but here's the kicker: excuses are just a crutch, and if you lean on the too long, you're just crippling yourself. You won't grow from making excuses as to why you can't do something. Excuses are just a crutch to hold yourself up on because you don't think you're ready to stand alone.

Excuses absolve you of your responsibility, they shift the blame to something that was out of your control. If you want to grow, you need to own your mistakes; have an internal locus of control, if you may. Realize that while you can blame failure on outside forces, you can also take the responsibility for what is happening to you.

We all fail, but it takes true strength to take responsibility and own our mistakes. It takes strength to look back and be able to find a way to improve from the experience. Failure doesn't have to be all bad, because from each opportunity that you did not succeed in, you gain experience and you can learn a valuable lesson if you just search for it. It's not to say tear yourself apart with what could have been, but rather to see if there is anything you should/ought to do the next time a similar situation arises. Every struggle is an opportunity for growth, failure shouldn't knock you down, it should make you stronger.

The way I see it, it's only a failure if you learned nothing from the experience. So lose the crutch, and figure out how the experience can make you a better.

Gotta get up from here

When things don't go the way I want, I'm disappointed and I get upset, it's a natural reaction.

You can be as sad or angry as you want, for as long or short as you want, but the reality is, you have got to get up from there.

I'm not saying you can't be sad, that would be ridiculous. To try and pretend like you're not sad, to try and pretend your emotions don't exist won't help anything. Go ahead, feel bad, feel sorry for yourself, by all means go sulk! I mean, I've been known to throw a pretty rockin' pity party for myself (complete with blankets, netflix, ice cream, chips and guacamole, and whatever other food I desire), but the fact is I have to get up from here.

Feeling sorry for yourself will do nothing for you and it will get you nowhere. You have to get up and shake it off. Once you're done being sad, you have to realize that you were meant for something more than what made you sad. Learn from what happened, grow from the experience, and then go be happy and be the bad ass you were meant to be. Be resilient, bounce back, and grow from every curveball that life throws at you.

I mean, when in doubt, reflect on the great words of Chumbawamba (yes, I love the 90s )"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down". They also go on to talking about whiskey drinks and vodka drinks, but you can ignore that part and just get straight to the point: when life doesn't go as planned, you can stay down for a little, but ultimately you gotta get back up and give it another try, after all, you were meant to do some pretty amazing things.

Ready or not, here it comes

Sometimes, life is scary. The future is scary, the unknown is terrifying.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a planner. I know what I want, I have a plan to get it, and that is that. I don't like it when things don't go according to plan, but when that happens, don't you worry, because I have a backup plan. Which is really quite ridiculous when I say it aloud, because people plan and God laughs.

I've planned a lot in my life and I can honestly say that the best times I have had have been unscripted, unplanned, and unforeseeable. Planning is good, but the reality is, life is going to happen, whether I plan for it or not. Regardless if you're ready, life is still going to come at you, second after second, day after day. I didn't plan to end up where I am, but alas, here I am.

Lately, a lot of things haven't been going as planned and even though things haven't been going according to my great plan, I am happy. I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished, I am happy with where I am, and I am so thankful for the people around me and everything that I have in my life. It may have not been the plan, but let me tell you, my life is awesome and I wouldn't change a thing. While the plan looks great on paper, my life feels even better - even with all the deviations from my grand plan.

The biggest thing to remember is that life is scary and walking straight into the unknown that is the future is terrifying, but life's going to happen, whether you are ready for it or not. Every second you spend worrying isn't going to change a thing. So live freely, love with a reckless abandon, and give of yourself to serve others and make the world a better place, after all, this life is all you have. I have a huge belief that if things are meant to be, they will be, and if they weren't meant to be, then it was a good time and a good experience.

I've learned that sometimes, you have to let go of your plans and take every joy, triumph, and disappointment as they come. Be who you are and love what you do. Let your life unfold, you could be very pleasantly surprised.