more of a procrastinator

I used to think that it was hard for me to make decisions because I was indecisive, but I'm learning more and more that that's not the case.

It's not that I can't make a decision because I don't know what to do (because I do) it's just that I can't find it in me to pull the trigger. I've got a bad habit of holding on or holding back for too long. I've got a really bad habit of second guessing my intuition and, heck, even my past experiences. And that, THAT, is how I end up frozen in place for too long.

How do I break the cycle? I honestly don't know. But I'm trying, I am trying to re-learn what I've always known. That I can make decisions and that they can be right or they could be wrong, but no matter what, they'll get me closer to where I need to be.

faith + action. It's the only thing that's going to move me ahead.

I guess I'm just scared...

I could come up with a million things to do before writing here, but I am sitting at my computer now and trying. Like reeaaaaalllllllly trying to sit here and crank something out, but it’s hard.

Scratch that. It’s not hard. I’m just full of excuses and fill my time with other things that don’t necessarily matter as much. I put off writing here over and over and over again because “I just don’t have the time,” but oh, let me tell you a story about the things I DO have time for.

Last week, I had a full post thought out, ready to go, in my head, and I thought “Lo, this it! This is the time! You’ve got it!” but then somehow it didn’t get written… somehow, I got REEAALLLLL busy. With what you might ask? SUPER IMPORTANT THINGS that include, but are not limited to the following: taking a shower, driving to get a soda, taking a picture of said soda, cleaned my camera, eating a lunchable, scrolling through Instagram, posting jobs and answering emails for work, thinking about the logistics of moving my bed, doing some laundry, looking at domain names, sorting my books, and of course, making a list of things I was doing instead of writing the post that I meant to, the list goes on... (please also note, this started at like 9:45pm)

And now that thought, like many others, is gone with the wind, never to see the light of day. Tragic, I know.

So sure, I’m “busy”, but if I’m being honest, I’m actually just scared.

Scared of what? That someone might actually read this? That they might not like it? That people might not like me? I’m not quite sure exactly what it is, but I’ve let that fear stop me from doing what I love for a long long time.

So here I am, writing nonsense about not writing, because this matters to me. And I’ve finally (kind of) come to grips with the fact that people might not like what I write, and that’s okay, because I’m writing for me. And if that reaches someone, somewhere, and resonates with them, that’s cool – but if not, that’s okay too.