loved.

At some point, somewhere I learned that there was one kind of love and it was conditional, performance-based love. And really, it doesn't matter where I learned it or how I learned it. It's not about who's "fault" it is. It's about how I've spent the last few years trying to unlearn it.

I'm still trying to grasp that love is given freely and not earned. And even though I know that, there are days, weeks even, where I can't fathom why anyone would love me, when I am so obviously flawed and unworthy.

I don't know if I'll ever fully comprehend that I can mess up and it's okay; I'm not sure if I will ever completely understand that I can not be good, yet still be loved.

I get in over my head, and what's worse is that sometimes I get stuck in my own head. I get caught up in the thoughts that if anyone knew how weak I was, that they wouldn't think I was so great anymore. That if they know how small and fragile and unknowing I was, that I couldn't be wanted. That once they found out I wasn't superwoman, they'd realize they didn't need me and move on to the next superhero.

I remember being scared to tell my mom about my mistakes at 14 and when she asked why I didn't tell her sooner and I said I thought she wouldn't love me anymore. I wasn't afraid that she would be mad, I was terrified that she wouldn't love me anymore. (and let me be clear, this was in no way based off of the way she treated me)

I remember leaving home and hating my new job and crying every night, but thinking I couldn't go home because then I'd return a failure and no one would want me. Then one day, almost three years later, my sister told me a story about that time and how our mom said she didn't want me to leave, but wasn't worried because I knew that I could always come back. And I tried not to cry on the phone, because I didn't know.

So I guess the moral of the story is: you are loved beyond measure. And no accomplishment or failure will change that. You are loved. Completely. Entirely. And there is not a thing that can change that.

Even when it's hard to remember and even harder to believe, it doesn't stop it from being true.

I guess I'm just scared...

I could come up with a million things to do before writing here, but I am sitting at my computer now and trying. Like reeaaaaalllllllly trying to sit here and crank something out, but it’s hard.

Scratch that. It’s not hard. I’m just full of excuses and fill my time with other things that don’t necessarily matter as much. I put off writing here over and over and over again because “I just don’t have the time,” but oh, let me tell you a story about the things I DO have time for.

Last week, I had a full post thought out, ready to go, in my head, and I thought “Lo, this it! This is the time! You’ve got it!” but then somehow it didn’t get written… somehow, I got REEAALLLLL busy. With what you might ask? SUPER IMPORTANT THINGS that include, but are not limited to the following: taking a shower, driving to get a soda, taking a picture of said soda, cleaned my camera, eating a lunchable, scrolling through Instagram, posting jobs and answering emails for work, thinking about the logistics of moving my bed, doing some laundry, looking at domain names, sorting my books, and of course, making a list of things I was doing instead of writing the post that I meant to, the list goes on... (please also note, this started at like 9:45pm)

And now that thought, like many others, is gone with the wind, never to see the light of day. Tragic, I know.

So sure, I’m “busy”, but if I’m being honest, I’m actually just scared.

Scared of what? That someone might actually read this? That they might not like it? That people might not like me? I’m not quite sure exactly what it is, but I’ve let that fear stop me from doing what I love for a long long time.

So here I am, writing nonsense about not writing, because this matters to me. And I’ve finally (kind of) come to grips with the fact that people might not like what I write, and that’s okay, because I’m writing for me. And if that reaches someone, somewhere, and resonates with them, that’s cool – but if not, that’s okay too.

BE MORE LIKE A SIX YEAR OLD!

I am going to guess that everyone reading this is above the age of six, if not, kudos to you under six year old, you win at life!

But for all of us who are past the age of six, let's remember that time. It was glorious, not a care in the world, well yes, definitely cares, but only the candy, toy, and play drama, none of that heavy adult-y type stuff.

We weren't afraid to speak our minds and maybe sometimes said things that weren't socially appropriate (like that time I was so excited to open the door and get the pizza, then saw the delivery guy, ran back upstairs freaking out, yelling MOM, IT'S AN OLD MANNNNN!!!!). But man, did we say some great stuff back then.

So, I say we should be more like a six year olds! Maybe not just say whatever we are thinking, because, sometimes, let's be honest, it's a little rude, but SAY NICE THINGS TO PEOPLE!

I'm serious though, compliment people, genuinely, do it!

Because yesterday, while I was getting my nails done and chatting with Easton, this six year old (it was her birthday, and all she wanted to do was get her nails done. Seriously, the cutest thing!) so politely interrupts our conversation and says to me:

"um, excuse me, I really like your boots"

And let's be real, that made my day! That little girl had something to say and she made sure she told me, which, if I'm being honest, I don't do enough.

Recently I have been trying to compliment people and say nice things to them when I think it, but sometimes it's hard. Like sometimes I want to tell a girl I don't know that I really like her dress or man great comments/insight, but she's busy/talking to people, so I better not bother her. It's fine, I'm sure she get's it all the time. Maybe next time.

Sound familiar?

Sure, it's scary approaching people out of the blue and speaking to them, but here's the thing, who is ever MAD about a compliment?! PEOPLE LOVE HEARING THAT THEY'RE AWESOME! They love it.

So don't assume that they know or that someone will tell them or that it won't make their day, you channel your inner six year old self, and you tell 'em that they're great or their outfit is on fleek (yes, I said it, judge all you want).

Let them know, say your piece, and don't worry about what happens afterward, because I can almost guarantee that someone won't be weird and judgy about the compliment you just paid them (unless it's a way awkward one, like once a guy got real close to me in the office and told me my hair smelled nice... stay away from being invasive or creepy, trust me).

work in progress

A lot of the time, I get overwhelmed with how much I haven't done, with how much there is still left to do. And it get's me down. Feeling so behind on life.

Somehow I lose sight of the bigger picture and I forget that life happens bit by bit; you know, that whole "Rome wasn't built in a day" thing.

But I have to remind myself that I've done good. I've done good things, big things. Things I never thought I could do, but somehow, I did.

You've done good, don't be so hard on yourself. Your life will always be a a work in progress, but oh, how you can make it beautiful with the choices you make each and every day.

Moving forward

Lately I've been feeling unsettled and uncertain about what direction my life is going, and I'm sure this isn't an unfamiliar feeling for all of the other 20-somethings in the world.

Change is hard for me, just like it is for everybody else, and I find myself place holding on to things I should've let go a long time ago. I find myself staying in places longer than I should. I find myself staying still when I should be moving forward.

And that moving on, that whole moving forward thing, is scary. Because it means that I am leaving what I knew or what I was certain of behind. That for some crazy reason, I am choosing the unfamiliar over the comforts of the past and present.But a part of me knows that it's the only way. It's the only way to grow. It's the only way to figure out what I really want and what I really need.

It's scary, propelling yourself into the unknown, hoping for something better, knowing that something different might await you, and not knowing if you'll like it more. Putting yourself out there is hard, thinking of the possibility of failure is terrifying, trying new things is a little overwhelming at times. But, you know, it's the only way.

Because the staying still is the worst part of the whole process. It's the lingering too long in the comfort of the life you have that hurts the worst. Knowing that there is more out there, but being too scared or too complacent to try and find it.

It's the staying still that stifles who you are, that slowly but surely kills those dreams you once had. It's the staying still that keeps you comfortably numb to the callings of your soul.

And there comes a time, where you realize you have to go and that you can't stay where you've been. There comes a time where you realize that staying still and constantly wondering "what if" is a much worse fate than actually trying and getting an answer.

I'm unsettled, unsure, uncertain, and uncomfortable, but I would rather be that and a million other un-words that I haven't thought of, than to leave so much of my potential untapped.

So here's to the unknown and figuring out what's actually out there.

resolutions

It doesn't have to be a new year to start resolutions; there is no time like the present to start working to improve your life and yourself.

There's no need to wait because the truth is, change is hard. Change is REALLY hard. And it's a process. It's not something that I can just flip a switch and say, done! That was easy. It's waking up day after day and remembering what it is that you want and working for it.

So I'm starting today and for now I'll just write them down in as many places as I can, so that I can hope to remember what it is that I'm working for.
 - Be more brave than fearful
 - Read more books
 - Go outside!
 - Take more walks
 - Help others more
 - Listen better
 - Love more deeply
 - Learn new skills and things! Seriously, invest in yourself.

There might be individual posts on some of those later, but for now, that's what I'm working on. Because life is what you make it, and oh, how I hope to make mine more and more beautiful.

Don't be sorry

Stop being sorry, stop apologizing; you have no reason to be sorry for simply occupying space. You don't have to apologize for learning as you go, after all, aren't we all?

And you certainly don't have to apologize for being yourself, because that's the greatest gift you could ever give the world.

You are a work in progress - don't let anyone make you feel like a failure. You are not finished. You are just beginning and there's no shame in that.

You can only live up to your true potential when you've stopped apologizing for what you're not. Because if we counted all the things we're not, we could go on forever and ever, but that doesn't make the world a better place and that doesn't make you a better person.

So, I want to remind you that what YOU are is far more important than what you're not. You are loved, you are wanted, and you are needed in this world, don't you ever forget that.

Basically I'm Slim Shady, but not really... at all

I had a breakthrough, about this whole NOT writing thing that' I've been doing recently. Clarification: I had a breakthrough on Saturday morning, at 6:30 in the morning, after which I danced around the room singing "guess who's back... back again... Lauren's back... tell a friend... guess who's back guess who's back guess who's back"

But then I stopped and laughed because it was ridiculous. Both the dancing, but also the fact that afterwards I just kept thinking TWO TRAILER PARK GIRLS GO ROUND THE OUTSIDE ROUND THE OUTSIDE ROUND THE OUTSIDE.

Totally not descriptive of my breakthrough. At all.

More to come and I'm super excited to be feelin' this whole blogging and writing things after feeling so meh these past couple of months.

Check back later this week, it'll be some good stuff.