I am interested in communications; how we speak to one another, how we converse or discuss, and how we interact with one another in different setting (i.e. family, romantic relationships, etc). Earlier this year, I read a book called Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott (honestly, it’s deals with work a lot, but also personal relationships. I think it is an amazing book if you are invested in learning how to improve conversations and thus improve your life in both work and home) and one point she brings up is the use of words, specifically, But. But, it’s a small word that makes a huge impact. You may not realize it (I know I didn’t), the word makes a big difference and has a somewhat of a negative connotation. I understand that sometimes but is necessary, but in a lot of conversations, it makes it the person talking seem a little condescending, argumentative, dismissive, and even rude.
Think about it.
Having a problem with your partner’s behavior? “I love you, but…” But what? But implies that there is something wrong, something is wrong, and it almost even cancels out the whole I love you thing.
Listening to others ideas at work about a proposal? “The program seems like a good idea, but…” But there is something I don’t like or there is something terribly inaccurate about your idea, but my idea is better. These are all things that could be said in a more direct way with out sugar coating the truth, which is what you should really be saying.
But creates the biggest problem, in my mind at least, when you ask for others input on an idea of yours. If you ask them, listen to their input, it IS valuable. If someone offers their opinion, don’t feel the need for a reBUTtal. “Yes, yes, I see your point, but (insert some reason why your idea still prevails and the input given is irrelevant here). In a lot of cases, the use of but negates that first, and usually more nice statement.
But CAN be a form of an objection, however that's not always the case. But is necessary sometimes; sometimes, but is very useful at the right time. I'm not saying completely erase the word from your vocabulary, just think about when you use it. Susan Scott suggests an assignment in which you replace “but” with “and”, it is very eye-opening to how much we use “but”. You will catch yourself and see the positive outcomes of using and; but really, it IS necessary sometimes.
Try the assignment, and your eyes WILL be opened and you will see just how big your but really is.
- Lauren
- Lauren
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