2019: a year in advance

For some of January I thought - what better way to kick off blogging than doing a year in review... then remembered I may have the worst memory of all time. And sat. And typed. And highlighted some things, but it felt a little disingenuous. Like I was doing it just to write... and you know what? It was.

So here I am, writing a post called "2019: a year in advance" with my hopes, my dreams, the things I want in 2019. Because that's what I'm looking at right now, with eyes forward and a heart full of hope.

I want 2019 to be a year where I make room. Room to grow, room to create, room to breathe, room to grow. A year to intentionally create margins to do the things I feel called to do and to invest in the people and things that are most important to me. To take a breath and figure out what I *actually* want, rather than doing what I've always done or falling into what I am naturally good at/what comes easiest. I want this to be year where I let go of the things that don't serve me well anymore. A year where I take time to breathe and enjoy the moment I am in.

I want to invest: invest in myself, in my relationships, in my work, in my bank account (haha, but also not kidding) - so in short I am planning on investing in everything. In the end, I want to invest in the things that are important to me and that means getting off my ass and making it happen, rather than just letting it happen to me (are we seeing a theme here?).

I couldn't be more excited to see what 2019 brings me and what I make of the year. To see what happens when I focus on making room for the life I want, instead of always rolling for the punches and waiting for the other shoe to drop. And even for just the potential, 2019, I love you already.

Brunch hard or go home

Last week, my friends and I FINALLY got together for brunch. I'm not saying that to be pretentious like we go to brunch and gallivant off to the Hampton's on the weekends, I'm saying that because we have been trying to get together for ONE brunch at Communal for literally a year.

We tried, without a reservation, over two months ago and failed. But this time, we came prepared... with a reservation a week in advance (not because you need to, but because getting the four of us free on a Saturday is like striking gold, pure gold).

First off, Communal is little, but boy is it busy. Part of the reason (at least I think, it's logic, right?) it's called communal is because you sit at a table with other people; for some that is weird, but for me. GREAT. Because I can creep on my neighbors food and ask them about it without having to get up and be weird. TOTALLY NATURAL.

So I creeped hard and decided to go with "the pine" which is a biscuit and gravy type deal, but better? How does it get better than biscuits and gravy, you might ask... let me tell you. 'The pine' is a biscuit and gravy combo, but with bacon, fried chicken, cheese, and egg. Guys. SO SO GOOD.

I also got the bruleed grapefruit which was good, but probably not something I'd get again (for me, brulee-ing half a grapefruit is not worthy of $4, but if that's your thing, go for it).

Overall 10/10 would recommend brunching at Communal if you happen to find yourself in Provo on a Saturday morning and happened to have made reservations in advance. Good food, good times with friends, what more could I ask for?

Someone told me I fell off, ooh I needed that

Yeah, that's right. Drake lyrics. That's how I'm going to start off, with Drake lyrics, judge me, I dare you.

But really, I did fall off. In like almost every aspect of my life, it's bad.

Do I see my friends? No.
Do I talk to anyone I don't see on a daily basis? Not really.
How have I been doing at my job? Actually kind of crappy.
When was the last time I did laundry (like actually folding it and you know, completing the task)? I don't know like 2 months ago... maybe?
How much sleep have I been getting? Like 5 hours on a good day... maybe

I'm not saying this to complain, don't get me wrong. I know I chose to be this busy all the time, but something's gotta give at this point. I'm stretched thin and really, I'm like a walking zombie. And Walking Zombie Lauren is no good for anyone.

Being, at most, half present is not good for anyone. Not good for work, not good for friends, not good for people around me, and it's definitely not good for me. I know it's impossible to be 100% present 100% of the time, but choosing to show up less than 60% everywhere I go is shitty.

So here's to making time for myself, being intentionally in what I choose to do, and getting back to what's important.

I love you all, even if I you never see me, even if I suck at texting, even if I never show up to your parties, I love you so, so much.

loved.

At some point, somewhere I learned that there was one kind of love and it was conditional, performance-based love. And really, it doesn't matter where I learned it or how I learned it. It's not about who's "fault" it is. It's about how I've spent the last few years trying to unlearn it.

I'm still trying to grasp that love is given freely and not earned. And even though I know that, there are days, weeks even, where I can't fathom why anyone would love me, when I am so obviously flawed and unworthy.

I don't know if I'll ever fully comprehend that I can mess up and it's okay; I'm not sure if I will ever completely understand that I can not be good, yet still be loved.

I get in over my head, and what's worse is that sometimes I get stuck in my own head. I get caught up in the thoughts that if anyone knew how weak I was, that they wouldn't think I was so great anymore. That if they know how small and fragile and unknowing I was, that I couldn't be wanted. That once they found out I wasn't superwoman, they'd realize they didn't need me and move on to the next superhero.

I remember being scared to tell my mom about my mistakes at 14 and when she asked why I didn't tell her sooner and I said I thought she wouldn't love me anymore. I wasn't afraid that she would be mad, I was terrified that she wouldn't love me anymore. (and let me be clear, this was in no way based off of the way she treated me)

I remember leaving home and hating my new job and crying every night, but thinking I couldn't go home because then I'd return a failure and no one would want me. Then one day, almost three years later, my sister told me a story about that time and how our mom said she didn't want me to leave, but wasn't worried because I knew that I could always come back. And I tried not to cry on the phone, because I didn't know.

So I guess the moral of the story is: you are loved beyond measure. And no accomplishment or failure will change that. You are loved. Completely. Entirely. And there is not a thing that can change that.

Even when it's hard to remember and even harder to believe, it doesn't stop it from being true.

more of a procrastinator

I used to think that it was hard for me to make decisions because I was indecisive, but I'm learning more and more that that's not the case.

It's not that I can't make a decision because I don't know what to do (because I do) it's just that I can't find it in me to pull the trigger. I've got a bad habit of holding on or holding back for too long. I've got a really bad habit of second guessing my intuition and, heck, even my past experiences. And that, THAT, is how I end up frozen in place for too long.

How do I break the cycle? I honestly don't know. But I'm trying, I am trying to re-learn what I've always known. That I can make decisions and that they can be right or they could be wrong, but no matter what, they'll get me closer to where I need to be.

faith + action. It's the only thing that's going to move me ahead.

I guess I'm just scared...

I could come up with a million things to do before writing here, but I am sitting at my computer now and trying. Like reeaaaaalllllllly trying to sit here and crank something out, but it’s hard.

Scratch that. It’s not hard. I’m just full of excuses and fill my time with other things that don’t necessarily matter as much. I put off writing here over and over and over again because “I just don’t have the time,” but oh, let me tell you a story about the things I DO have time for.

Last week, I had a full post thought out, ready to go, in my head, and I thought “Lo, this it! This is the time! You’ve got it!” but then somehow it didn’t get written… somehow, I got REEAALLLLL busy. With what you might ask? SUPER IMPORTANT THINGS that include, but are not limited to the following: taking a shower, driving to get a soda, taking a picture of said soda, cleaned my camera, eating a lunchable, scrolling through Instagram, posting jobs and answering emails for work, thinking about the logistics of moving my bed, doing some laundry, looking at domain names, sorting my books, and of course, making a list of things I was doing instead of writing the post that I meant to, the list goes on... (please also note, this started at like 9:45pm)

And now that thought, like many others, is gone with the wind, never to see the light of day. Tragic, I know.

So sure, I’m “busy”, but if I’m being honest, I’m actually just scared.

Scared of what? That someone might actually read this? That they might not like it? That people might not like me? I’m not quite sure exactly what it is, but I’ve let that fear stop me from doing what I love for a long long time.

So here I am, writing nonsense about not writing, because this matters to me. And I’ve finally (kind of) come to grips with the fact that people might not like what I write, and that’s okay, because I’m writing for me. And if that reaches someone, somewhere, and resonates with them, that’s cool – but if not, that’s okay too.

You gotta start somewhere

It is so hard for me to write here, and I think part of it is because I can be SO edited here.

Let me explain.

I write a ton. Like notebooks on notebooks of my thoughts and ideas are sitting on a shelf right now, mostly in Moleskine journals. And when I write it down, I have to think about it and I can't really delete it (I can cross it out, but I reserve that for colossal mistakes). I can't edit as I go. It's just there. And that stuff, well if I am being honest, THAT stuff is gold.

Then I get here, online and hit the backspace key more than I should. And not because I have a ton of typing errors (which surprise, sometimes I do) but because it's so easy to second guess myself and rewrite what I am trying to say. So then it turns out like crap and it kills me.

But I can't put what's on paper, on screen. It's weird. I'm weird. Part of it is because they are like pieces of my soul and only like 4 people ever have seen a glimpse of those notebooks, and I might just be scared to send my soul out to the world like that.

I digress, really, I just have to try to write good stuff here, and I think that can only happen if I stop trying to only write good stuff.

So I'm going to try more regularly, and even if it isn't great, at least I've started. As Anne Lamott said "almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere."

And that somewhere, for now, is here.

Farmer's Market Finds

If you've been around for a while, you know how much I write and that more often than not I have my Moleksine journal with me. You know, just in case I have some good thoughts to write down or something.

I've been pretty faithful to the good old Moleskine and have filled up quite a few in the past few years, but when I was at the SLC Farmer's market this weekend, I found something that could possible make me switch up my Moleskine ways.

While walking around I stumbled across a stand that looked like it was selling old books, and I saw an old copy of Where The Wild Things are (one of my childhood favorites) and had to stop in. I picked it up and realized that, BONUS, it is actually rebound AND a journal! Be still my soul, right?! 

Red Barn Collections rebinds books, adds pages, and creates a journal out of old books. They have a range of books at their stand (and even more in their warehouse, so you can check if they have a specific book you want!) from children's to mystery to reference books and even board games!
I am a little obsessed with the children's books because they have the whole story in the journal and it just makes me feel all young and nostalgic. I ended up buying Where the Wild Things Are and Shel Silversteins "A Light in the Attic".

I'm so excited to start writing in these (can't start yet because there are still a few pages left in my trusty Moleskine) and see how it goes!

moms rock!

Guys, moms are seriously the best! If you need specific reasons as to why my mom is the best, feel free to read here.

I mean, sure, I'm 25 years old and apparently a real live adult with a 401k and everything, but my mom STILL sends me care packages and it's the best. So what if I graduated 3 years ago (yikes)? THAT DOES NOT STOP MOMMA REYES!

Coming home to mail is the best, especially when it is unsolicited from your mom, and not from a night of binge online shopping. A came home from a trip and had this cute little package filled with a few of my (and her) favorite things!

I'm a pretty independent person and I'm not one to get homesick ever (like at 6th grade camp when girls were CRYING because they missed their parents, I was just chillin' in my Paul Frank sweatshirt like take a chill pill we will be back at the end of the week), so it's nice to be reminded how much my family loves me and thinks of me, their sweet sweet prodigal daughter.

So to close, moms rock! The end.

BE MORE LIKE A SIX YEAR OLD!

I am going to guess that everyone reading this is above the age of six, if not, kudos to you under six year old, you win at life!

But for all of us who are past the age of six, let's remember that time. It was glorious, not a care in the world, well yes, definitely cares, but only the candy, toy, and play drama, none of that heavy adult-y type stuff.

We weren't afraid to speak our minds and maybe sometimes said things that weren't socially appropriate (like that time I was so excited to open the door and get the pizza, then saw the delivery guy, ran back upstairs freaking out, yelling MOM, IT'S AN OLD MANNNNN!!!!). But man, did we say some great stuff back then.

So, I say we should be more like a six year olds! Maybe not just say whatever we are thinking, because, sometimes, let's be honest, it's a little rude, but SAY NICE THINGS TO PEOPLE!

I'm serious though, compliment people, genuinely, do it!

Because yesterday, while I was getting my nails done and chatting with Easton, this six year old (it was her birthday, and all she wanted to do was get her nails done. Seriously, the cutest thing!) so politely interrupts our conversation and says to me:

"um, excuse me, I really like your boots"

And let's be real, that made my day! That little girl had something to say and she made sure she told me, which, if I'm being honest, I don't do enough.

Recently I have been trying to compliment people and say nice things to them when I think it, but sometimes it's hard. Like sometimes I want to tell a girl I don't know that I really like her dress or man great comments/insight, but she's busy/talking to people, so I better not bother her. It's fine, I'm sure she get's it all the time. Maybe next time.

Sound familiar?

Sure, it's scary approaching people out of the blue and speaking to them, but here's the thing, who is ever MAD about a compliment?! PEOPLE LOVE HEARING THAT THEY'RE AWESOME! They love it.

So don't assume that they know or that someone will tell them or that it won't make their day, you channel your inner six year old self, and you tell 'em that they're great or their outfit is on fleek (yes, I said it, judge all you want).

Let them know, say your piece, and don't worry about what happens afterward, because I can almost guarantee that someone won't be weird and judgy about the compliment you just paid them (unless it's a way awkward one, like once a guy got real close to me in the office and told me my hair smelled nice... stay away from being invasive or creepy, trust me).

SURPRISE! I went to Spain

    

For those of you who don't know, surprise! I went to Spain at the beginning of Spain. It was UNREAL.

So much food, so much goodness. so much walking, so much fun. It was great and I'm slowly sifting through pictures and (very) slowly getting caught up on the work I missed while I was gone. Someday I'll get a better recap, but for now, these two pictures will have to do.

skillz 2 pay da billz (actually, no bills will be paid with this new skill)

So a few posts back I talked about resolutions and mentioned specifically learning new skills.

Well SURPRISE! At some point I decided that I should learn to skateboard (maybe it's a quarter-life crisis, I don't care, it seems legit, right?)

      

So basically, I have a skateboard, I can kind of stand on it and manage not to crash into anything. Mainly I am just very awkward and ask people in the parking lot to teach me, and so far so good. I've only fallen once and it didn't hurt that much. My current strategy is when in doubt, jump off and bail, and it seems to be working super well.

This definitely isn't the type of skill I was thinking of in December, but here I am, wish me luck!

Grateful.

I've been having a hard time with life and tweeted about it. Then I started to write about because I was going to be courageous or whatever.

But here I am, thinking of how grateful I am for all of the people I have in my life, people who love me and still love me even though I'm difficult.

Because for the most part, I don't like to talk about things. I don't want to cry with you. I don't want to sit and chat about why I feel rotten. I don't need you to baby me. I don't need cookie dough or ice cream or a movie marathon. And I know that's SO hard to deal with, but it's who I am.

Yet I still have people I know are there for me. People who talk me through it and give me the space I need to figure it out. People who give me the gentle reminder that I'm okay, that I'm loved, that they're there when I need them.

I guess, grateful is the only way I can describe it. And to each and everyone, I am thankful for you.

work in progress

A lot of the time, I get overwhelmed with how much I haven't done, with how much there is still left to do. And it get's me down. Feeling so behind on life.

Somehow I lose sight of the bigger picture and I forget that life happens bit by bit; you know, that whole "Rome wasn't built in a day" thing.

But I have to remind myself that I've done good. I've done good things, big things. Things I never thought I could do, but somehow, I did.

You've done good, don't be so hard on yourself. Your life will always be a a work in progress, but oh, how you can make it beautiful with the choices you make each and every day.

Moving forward

Lately I've been feeling unsettled and uncertain about what direction my life is going, and I'm sure this isn't an unfamiliar feeling for all of the other 20-somethings in the world.

Change is hard for me, just like it is for everybody else, and I find myself place holding on to things I should've let go a long time ago. I find myself staying in places longer than I should. I find myself staying still when I should be moving forward.

And that moving on, that whole moving forward thing, is scary. Because it means that I am leaving what I knew or what I was certain of behind. That for some crazy reason, I am choosing the unfamiliar over the comforts of the past and present.But a part of me knows that it's the only way. It's the only way to grow. It's the only way to figure out what I really want and what I really need.

It's scary, propelling yourself into the unknown, hoping for something better, knowing that something different might await you, and not knowing if you'll like it more. Putting yourself out there is hard, thinking of the possibility of failure is terrifying, trying new things is a little overwhelming at times. But, you know, it's the only way.

Because the staying still is the worst part of the whole process. It's the lingering too long in the comfort of the life you have that hurts the worst. Knowing that there is more out there, but being too scared or too complacent to try and find it.

It's the staying still that stifles who you are, that slowly but surely kills those dreams you once had. It's the staying still that keeps you comfortably numb to the callings of your soul.

And there comes a time, where you realize you have to go and that you can't stay where you've been. There comes a time where you realize that staying still and constantly wondering "what if" is a much worse fate than actually trying and getting an answer.

I'm unsettled, unsure, uncertain, and uncomfortable, but I would rather be that and a million other un-words that I haven't thought of, than to leave so much of my potential untapped.

So here's to the unknown and figuring out what's actually out there.

resolutions

It doesn't have to be a new year to start resolutions; there is no time like the present to start working to improve your life and yourself.

There's no need to wait because the truth is, change is hard. Change is REALLY hard. And it's a process. It's not something that I can just flip a switch and say, done! That was easy. It's waking up day after day and remembering what it is that you want and working for it.

So I'm starting today and for now I'll just write them down in as many places as I can, so that I can hope to remember what it is that I'm working for.
 - Be more brave than fearful
 - Read more books
 - Go outside!
 - Take more walks
 - Help others more
 - Listen better
 - Love more deeply
 - Learn new skills and things! Seriously, invest in yourself.

There might be individual posts on some of those later, but for now, that's what I'm working on. Because life is what you make it, and oh, how I hope to make mine more and more beautiful.

Don't be sorry

Stop being sorry, stop apologizing; you have no reason to be sorry for simply occupying space. You don't have to apologize for learning as you go, after all, aren't we all?

And you certainly don't have to apologize for being yourself, because that's the greatest gift you could ever give the world.

You are a work in progress - don't let anyone make you feel like a failure. You are not finished. You are just beginning and there's no shame in that.

You can only live up to your true potential when you've stopped apologizing for what you're not. Because if we counted all the things we're not, we could go on forever and ever, but that doesn't make the world a better place and that doesn't make you a better person.

So, I want to remind you that what YOU are is far more important than what you're not. You are loved, you are wanted, and you are needed in this world, don't you ever forget that.

Digging deeper

I am always thinking. Always busy. And truth be told I don't know how not to be.

I'm twenty-four and filling my life with worthy things like working full-time, studying for certifications, actively pursuing God, looking at furthering my education, serving as a regional coordinator for my sorority. And that list isn't to brag, it's to illustrate what I signed myself up for, and what, often times, makes me feel overwhelmed.

I've put myself in a position where people have such high expectations of me that I'm constantly trying to meet, and it's hard. Even their praise makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough, because I know I can do more, but I'm just not. I feel the pressure to live up to (and beyond) their expectations. It's never enough and I can't stop. I can't let any of it go.

And I know that if I did, I'd fill it with other things, instead of using it as time for myself. I'd find a way to still burn the candle at both ends.

But why?

Because it's what I do best. It's how I avoid the things I don't want to think about, the things that scare me, the things that terrify me. It's easier to be busy than to face some of those things. It's easier to fill my life with tasks than to dig deeper and find purpose.

And that needs to stop. I need to stop. Because I want more than what I have. I want to dive deeper into life, I need to. The things I want can't be found on the surface.

I need time for myself. Time to run, time to read, time to write, time to be outside, time to breathe, time to ponder, time to face the scary things, time to reconnect, time to make more meaningful relationships, time to become who I am meant to be.

So here's to making time for me, making time for things that matter, and being less busy.

Dear mom, you're the best

My mom is the one of the most amazing humans I know (I mean she is planning a family service activity for her birthday, come on people). Not in the “she’s like totally my best friend and does everything with me” type of way that a lot of girls talk about. I mean in the truest sense, she is amazing. Like, let’s say in my last job interview, I started talking about her and started crying. Yes, crying. In an interview. Tears. SOBBING and finally choking out the words “she’s the best”.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to end. And if I’m being truthful, I’ve been trying to write this post for the past two years, but nothing does my mom justice, nothing, but here goes nothing.

She gave up so much for me and my sister to have what we have today, to be where we are today. She was a single mom with two kids, still going to school to get her Bachelor’s degree. She didn’t have much, but she had a family who loved her and two daughters who needed her. So she found a way to make it work, and I watched her graduate from the University of Washington when I was 7 years old. And she continued to work hard and push herself further so that she could support our small little family of three.

I didn’t know it then, but we weren’t the richest.

I remember eating hamburger helper for dinner (and loving it). I remember getting everything I wanted for my birthdays, well, except Barbies because according to momma Reyes those were not acceptable role models/examples for young girls. I remember laughing my head off while she wrapped my sister and me in towels like little lumpias (look it up).

We didn’t have much, but we had each other and we had our family. I don’t look back and remember being poor (I mean, come on, I had all the Lisa Frank school supplies I wanted AND Crayola crayons), I look back and see that I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted.

She has conquered so much. She has overcome so much, and I could not be more proud of the person she is and how far she has come. I can’t get over how much she continues to strive to grow and become better than who she was before. How she is always serving those around her and making sure that others are provided for.

Looking back, it honestly breaks my heart to see some of the things she sacrificed for us. It breaks my heart to look back at how difficult and unappreciative I was of her when I was like 14-18 (SORRY MOM). Because she has done nothing but put me and my sister first our whole lives. Like when she shut down her catering business because we needed more, even though it was her passion. Like how she’d make sure we had rides to everything and that she made it to as many as our games as she could, even if she was a little late.

Looking back, I can see how extremely blessed I was (and still am) to be her daughter.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I’m becoming more and more like my mother and that has made me think more about how that makes me feel. If you asked me 10 years ago, I would’ve been mortified, trust me. But now, I couldn’t be more proud to be even a smidgen of the woman she is.

And I guess, I’m writing this because I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for everything that she has done for me and everything she is. For the example that she has set for me, for showing me that hard work and dedication can take you to places you never expected. For making time for the things that mattered.

So here’s to you mom, thanks for being the best. Thanks for loving me even when I’m a poop. Thanks for putting things in perspective for me when I’m being overly dramatic and freaking out. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for going to my 6^th grade field trip to the sewage plant and not being too mad when we went to the Seahawks stadium the next week and you couldn’t get the time off again to go to that one (oops, my bad!).

Thanks for being you and thanks for making me, me. I love you more than I ever tell you.

xoxo - Tater

Happiness is not a luxury

I woke up this morning way too early. Way way too early.

And instead of doing the usual, turning on netflix to mindless shows or movies (nothing wrong with that), I read. I read books that I started forever ago. I read/listened to inspirational talks. I wrote things in the good old Moleskine.

Sometimes I forget how much I love reading. And when I say forget, I mean, I put it on the back burner with all the other things "I just don't have time for". It's a bad habit. Truly it is.

Why?

Because reading makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. And if it makes me happy, I SHOULD FREAKING DO IT.

I think we forget a lot of the time, that happiness is essential to our being. It shouldn't be a luxury. It shouldn't be something that we partake in when it's convenient.

Make time for happiness, make time for what makes you feel alive. You'll find that you are better because of it. That maybe, taking that time to read (or whatever it is that makes you feel alive) in your day, might make you a happier more pleasant person.

Having that "you" time, whatever it may be, is essential to being the best version of you.

Trust me: doing what makes you happy allows you to show up as your authentic self, rather than that strung out, overburdened, too busy, uptight, stress coming out of your eyeballs, scary person that kind of freaks people out. Take time to recharge, you (and probably everyone around you) will be thankful.

If you "just don't have time" for the little things that make you happy, you're doing it wrong. Don't get hung up on that though, because guess what, you can start today!